
Brian Chen: Is it just me, or is football especially out of control this year?
Me: It is.
Brian Chen: Just making sure.
Me: I could make a list that goes on and on with what's wrong with the NFL this season.
Brian Chen: Damn. Please do. That's a genius ATA article.
And thus an article is born. Here's a team-by-team breakdown of why the NFL isn't quite right this year.
Kansas City Chiefs: Larry Johnson (see right). LJ, one of the few superstars who seems to have averted the injury bug this year, can't keep his ass on the field because he can't seem to stop picking fights and throwing drinks in chicks' faces. But that's cool, you never back down from a fight, right LJ?
San Fransisco 49ers: So they finally admitted Alex Smith is a bust. Not only was he outperformed by Shaun Hill and J.T. O'Sullivan, but he's also on IR. I thought they were going to ride him out until no team would ever dream of signing him (like poor David Carr). Mike Nolan was the first NFL head coach to bite the bullet this season, and already his replacement Mike Singletary is already making waves by dropping his pants at halftime and sending a potential bust draft pick of Vernon Davis to the locker room early.
Chicago Bears: Grossman? Orton? They've been flipping coins the past years to decide who the starter is. This year Orton won the toss, and guess what? He's actually good. Too bad it looks like he may be out for a while after getting carted off the field in this weeks' game. That is, unless he makes a miracle comeback (word to Paul Pierce).
Cincinnati Bengals: The only thing worse than their disappointing record (and disappointing is an understatement here) is that Chad Ocho Cinco has to wear a fake last name on the back of his jersey. Is this the NFL or the XFL?
Buffalo Bills: After being thrown into the mediocrity pile, Lee Evans is now the third highest-paid WR in the NFL, and he's putting up numbers to show it. Oh and the Bills aren't too shabby either, no longer the coat rack of the AFC East (assuming the Dolphins are its doormat). Bills tied for first.
Denver Broncos: Hi, my name is Jay Cutler. I was so bad that they made fun of me on an episode of South Park. But I'm better this year. In fact, I throw better than John Elway. Alright Jay, let's take a step back for a second. Ok, so you lost a lot of weight, fighting diabetes can do that for you. And yes, you're playing better, throwing up monster numbers, winning games through pure offense, since everyone knows how squishy your defense is. But John Elway? That's like Jordan Farmar saying he passes better than Magic Johnson. Maybe 7 years into the future if you're still putting up obscene numbers and have won some rings, you can claim that. For now, Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden.
Cleveland Browns: A trendy pick for many to breakout this season, they now have a bigger problem than making the playoffs: preventing more staph infections. Seriously guys, you're an NFL franchise. You can afford to clean up a little more thoroughly.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Pushing for an NFC South title, and almost lost to Kansas City. That's all I have to say.
Arizona Cardinals: Kurt Warner must have gotten his hands on some sort of NFL-viagra, because he sure seems to be getting it up this season. Third in the league in passer rating, and second in passing yards. Matt who?
San Diego Chargers: So much for Super Bowl bound. Let's get to .500, then we'll talk.
Indianapolis Colts: A perennial lock to win the AFC South, the Colts will have to fight for a wild-card birth. Unless Tennessee drops 5 of the last 8.
Dallas Cowboys: Life without Tony? The Cowboys are a lot like Jessica Simpson: without Tony Romo both would just be sad, lost little puppies. Thank God Romo is coming back soon and Jess is talking marriage.
Miami Dolphins: They're .500. The bad news: they're still in last place in their divison. And they actually have a quarterback. Movin' on up like George and Wheezy.
Philadelphia Eagles: 5-3 and they're in third place in their division. There's something wrong with that. If Westbrook had stayed healthy, there would have been something wrong with that too.
Atlanta Falcons: 5-3 and they're in third place in their division. Wait, I just said that. Two years removed from the Michael Vick circus, they look like they have their quarterback of the future in Matt Ryan. Surprising they have a winning record at this point in the season, no?
New York Giants: The defending NFL champions have one blemish on their season, a loss to the lowly Browns. Forget the almost boo boo against the Bengals, a W is still a W last time I checked.
Jacksonville Jaguars: A team that many, myself included, believed to be ready to snatch away the AFC South title from the Colts is tied for last with who? The Texans.
New York Jets: Brett Favre, as ancient as he is, can still throw. Problem is his offense isn't tailored around him. Favre leading the NFL in interceptions thrown. Never thought I'd see that day.
Detroit Lions: After taking receivers with their top pick in 3 of the last 5 drafts, they still have no quarterback and have only one of said receivers left on their roster. The result: 0-8.
Green Bay Packers: 4-3 and gave Aaron Rodgers a huge extension. Now they're 4-4. It's far too soon to be asking "Brett who?"
Carolina Panthers: They switch between looking impressive and unimpressive. At least they're sitting pretty on top of their division.
New England Patriots: Starting a quarterback who was only a second string player throughout college and still 5-2?? I'm impressed.
Oakland Raiders: Al Davis. 'Nuff said. I'll throw in a "JaMarcus Russell sucks" plug just for Brian Chen. The highlight of their season? Outgoing Lane Kiffin making Sebastian Janikowski try a 76-yard field goal into the wind.
St. Louis Rams: Torry Holt is no longer the #1 option. I liken that to Manny Ramirez batting 7th.
Baltimore Ravens: They actually have a solid running game, AND a decent passing game. It's not just about defense anymore folks.
Washington Redskins: Jason Campbell hasn't thrown a pick all season. He's not that good. First year coach Jim Zorn is doing a hell of a job.
New Orleans Saints: This team produces enough firepower to take down a small European country's army. Defense has yet to show up. No surprises there. Being behind the Falcons and last in their division IS a surprise though.
Seattle Seahawks: 2-6 and tied for second in the NFC West. I don't know what's more wrong here, their record or the NFC West.
Pittsburgh Steelers: There is life without Willie Parker. Well, that's shocking to me.
Houston Texans: David Carr is gone?!?! Yes, they finally decided to give up. Seems they finally figured a way to get those beer goggles off.
Tennessee Titans: UNDFTD.
Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson can't carry this team by himself like I thought he could. Their defense is nowhere near as good as it was being touted as before the season began.
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